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Anti-Pickup Line

 

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Get in the car
I want to **** you

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At a Bar for blacks... and whites... and everybody else...

Man: I can last for hours in bed!

Woman: *gets closer and whispers in his ear: Really?

Man: OH YeeeeeaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Woman: Lets go to your place...

Man: Meh, I am done.

Moral: Oh YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Excuse me I need to go change clothes...

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Man enters "house of alcoholic beverages":

Woman: Hi there sexy!

Man: **** or GTFO!

*woman gets up and leaves*

Moral: When and how the **** has that comment ever worked? I mean did they use it in Siberia where the women would freeze to death in minutes unless she showed her ****?

(deep breath)

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Ok... I think I am done with reacting to the comment down somewhere... for now... I need to save strength to break the sound wall... hopefully with my head...

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At a Bra for dyslextic people that enjoy alocoloholic rindks:

Man: I am the fucking titanic! (flexes muscles)

Woman: Uh the Titanic?

Man: (flexing like a pro) Nobody can sink the titanic!

Woman: The Titanic sank years ago!

Me: Uh... damn!

Yeah... it was me back in the days...

Moral: We all do mistakes... (looks at comment below)

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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To my story below, I now remember why she never took me seriously...

While I was staring at her erect nipples she asked me if I was gay, I replied "uhuh", to everything as I was too busy looking at what I could have grabbed that day...

Moral: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Today she looks uh... less appealing in more ways than one.... but lets not go into details, I need to get something out here...

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

In 40 years at my deathbed: The only thing I regret is... is... DAMN! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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When I was like 14, sitting on a watertower with a 19 year old girl with the biggest **** I had ever seen (seen bigger on the internet but not real, nor as legendarily nice as these)

Girl: So Axel... you got a girlfriend?

Me: Uh yeah...

Girl: I bet you just hold hands and stuff... Hey I got a crazy idea! ;)

Me: Uh... well we kiss sometimes... on the cheek and stuff...

Girl: I bet hers are not as big as these *drags up skintight shirt, no bra needed explains what I saw*

Me: OMG O_o!! I mean... YUUUUUUUUK!

Girl: Yuk my ass... look at the bulge in your pants...

Me: Uh... so have you played Bloody Roar before? Its a good game for the... HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Girl: *Grabs my pants and tried to drag them down belt and all*

Me: NO! I Uh... you are too old and...

Girl: Too old? WTF! LOSER!.. YOU SUCK! (she changes conversation with an awkward tone and flustered face as she breathes deeply, as I keep starting at her erect nipples responding "uhuh" to everything)

The anti part? EVERYTHING I SAID AND DID THAT MORONIC DAY! I COULD LITERALLY DONE NOTHING AND GOTTEN LUCKY! **** IT IF SHE WAS OLDER THAN ME! **** IT!

The sucky part? She told my girlfriend we had done it (out of spite), and my then girlfriend threw a rock at my head so hard I had to put stings and got a medium concussion...And two weeks watching cartoons for 2 year olds at the hospital... she visited me but being spanked once for fun, was less than nothing...

Moral: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

(gasps for air)

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

I am now 29 years old have a beautiful girlfriend yet still....
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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For you that think your family are too overprotective when it comes to sex, this was my story as a teenager.

Mom: Hi guys!

Me and ladyfriend: Hi mom! This is my ladyfriend: (insert your name if you are female)

Dad: Woho! Good catch son! *claps me on shoulder*

Mom: Dont worry, you guys just go right up and "study" eh ;) eh ;) and we are gonna put the music REALLY LOUD down here! And there is no need to be ashamed of stains nor anything.

Dad: No we understand ;) ;) ;)

Girl: Uh... you invited me just to study right?

Me: Believe it or not I did...

Dad: Yeah you two young ones go study! Remember condom though! ;)

Girl: Axel! WTF?! *leaves*

Me: Mom.. Dad! WTF!? I dont know anything about algebra (not even to this day, and I am almost 30)

Dad: Algebra eh? ;) Next time give her a good "algebra".

Me: Mom tell that moron tha...

Mom: Relax son, I understand that you boys have desires and the next time you take her with you, you dont need to be ashamed or come up with excuse..

Me: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Moral: To believe I learned most my ways by having ladyfriends... despite my parents... Mom and Dad overprotective? Good... trust me!

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A "true" gentleman on a date:

Man: Let me open that door for you...

Lady: Thank you :)

Later:

Man: Oh a wet spot of dirt! Allow me to throw myself in front of it! *splash* Now! Allow your peerless beauty to walk over this worthless body.

Woman: Uh... are you sure *giggles* Okay...

Later still:

Man: Here! A thousand roses may make you see my worthless hide as something that can compare to your splendor!

Woman: Eh... thanks I guess...

Man: And a Diamond necklace that may shine, as I am but a dirty fool!

Woman: Uh oh...

At nighttime:

Man: So at my place or at yours?

Woman: Huh?

Man: You know... I got you stuff and.. well...

Woman: Uh I gotta go! *runs away*

Man: That frigid damsel!

Moral: Not only do you spend the whole day reminding her that you are a piece of crap (and showing it too), but you buy her expensive stuff and expect her to "allow you entrance" to her stuff? Nice, first you tell her you are not worth anything, and then treat her like a prostitute.

Moral Man: A modern Gentleman... the rude but oh so charismatic asshole that every woman want to change "for the better" (secret, dont change a fucking thing because woman most do NOT want a guy that does as she says, believe me even you girls with not so much experience)

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By a windy coast...

Woman: Come with me!

Man: No! I must avenge my family... *cape flows*

Woman: But leave it be!

Man: Ugh... you would never... gah... understand my pain *cape flows awesomely*

Woman: Let me join you! Together we can make things alright...

Man: Uugh! Dont you see! My pain consumes all? I cannot endanger you... *more epic capeflowing*

Woman: Please!

Man: Well... if you can understand... that a man can be consumed such as I... *wind stops*ยจ

Woman: Uh never mind, you are just an emo without the flowing red cape...

Man: Uh what? I mean wait! *slips on cape and falls in the water she is gone by the time he is up*

Moral: Study the weather, I mean you certainly dont need a fucking cape, but a umbrella out of nowhere will impress anyone.

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Nielsen: Nice beaver!

Woman: Thanks!

Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice p*ssy

Woman: Ah! Thank you! (cat meows)

Nielsen: No I mean you have a nice wet vagina.

Woman: Is this in the script?

Director: CUT!

Nielsen: What? Cant a man improvise? I mean OJ does it, and he is quite the nice fella...

Moral: "Quite the nice fella" Yeah reminds me of good old dad, nice to everyone, and could take a lot of shit, but as much as I asked him how he was doing, I got an uppercut to the face and a nice trip in a ambulance...

Started when I was 4, I crushed his upper Jaw in self defense when I was 16... ah... hmm... Why am I sharing this? Then again why not... When have I not spoken my mind.

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Are you a beaver? Because your overbite seems to be made for my wood.

Moral: Take what you see, improve it, and steal the glory... We all do it... maybe not as obvious as this... but judging me badly would be hypocrisy...

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Are you a beaver? Because that overbite is fucked up.

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Anti-Pickup Line

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