-Hey sit on my face and I will guess your weight

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How does a ghost walk through walls? There's normally a door.

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Sosiopath vs How I met your mother: Kids, this is how I met your mother. I saw her at some store, I said "Hey sexy" She told me to fuck off, so I raped her, got out of prison years later, and kids, that is how I met your mother. ...Why I am leaving? Did I ever fucking say I was your father? I Just came here to tell you I raped and killed her after serving my time which was about 2 minutes, so kids, that is how I killed your mother. YOU ARE WELCOME BY THE WAY! Ungrateful kids... Moral of the story: If they are your kids, just say no and get away, and kill Robin for better television. Bonus because nobody loves you :( Me? People either love me around here, or you know... cough... psst...rapeandie? Lets keep that a secret between us and EEEEEVEEEERYBODY ELLLLLLLSSEEEEEE (SECRET ABOVE ALERT ALERT ALERT!) Sosiopath vs Grounded for life Moral: Shot the little kid, nobody will notice, not even his own family.

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Guy: I think I got lost in your eyes. Girl: Here's a GPS. Go find yourself.

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Hey gorgeous what are you drinking? Cyanide.

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M: If life had Alt + F4, I would close your clothes. F: Really? I would close YOU down!

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I right next to each other. You say that you want me? Well don't what you come for!!

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Him: Does your dad own a bakery? Her: Yes, Why? Him: Because I saw his advertisement in the newspaper

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Are you a magnet, because i'm attracted to you. Yes, i am. So unless you want to have sex with metal, then i suggest you leave.

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what goes up and down , side to side all the time? a compass get your mind out of the gudder.

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-Adam, am I the only girl in your life? -Who else is there?

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- Does this napkin smell like chloroform to you? There is no response because she passed out from it and he leaves in order to void suspicion.

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Are you from Wales, because...well...

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Hey, I may not be too smart, I may not have a big dick, I may not be strong nor cool, but at least I uh...

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I told my wife I met someone who looked just like her she asked Was she gorgeous I didn't know what to say.

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Q: Where did Bethany hide the dead baby? A: In the trash can

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Are you being followed because i've been see someone behind your back!

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Man: Hey yo sexy, wanna do it in the toilet so I can brag about banging the prom queen? The toilets are dirty but I got aids anyways and... Fine brit Lady: Eh well sire, you see... SURE! Moral: ANTICLIMACTIC ENDING SUCCESS!

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-Hi how are y... -just a minute, I need to drop a shit, be back in a sec.

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Dating post: "Nice male looking for female company, I have a steady job and would prefer if you too had a job, you will be particularity happy if you have a small penis fetish. Signed BIGPENIS19INCHESJIMlight sleeper

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(At a Funeral) Male: I have a raging erection.

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"Hey did I not meet you at the singles and desperates club?"

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damn, girl... you look like you put your socks on BOTH feet.

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HE: You must have some hot buns. SHE: Yeah? HE: Cause you got a real butterface to go with them.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

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The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!