Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

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Boy:can i go out with you? Girl: no

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Excuse me, does this rag smell like Chloroform to you?

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nice kid... want another?

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- You're so hot, that if you ate a piece of bread, you'd poop out toast! -You're so cold that if you drunk a glass of water, you'd poop out ice.

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i wanna see your dick? i cant seem to find it...... sorry

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Close you`re eyes and open you`re mouth. *unzips pants*

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-Isnt this the bus to Vermont? -No, its an pineapple without a flute. -Are you a bus driver? -No, im an umbrella!

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If i could rearrange the alphabet, id put my dick in your mouth.

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I was a little bit nervous to talk to you at first, but thankfully my Aides encouraged me to do it.

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From 1 to America how free are your tonight? North Korea

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-how much do i have to pay you to **** me? -how much do i get for taking you back to the zoo?

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Man:Hey, do you know what chloroform smells like? Woman:No. Man:Well, you're about to find out.

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At a huge bar only known as Castlevania... Woman: Get lost loser! Why would I wont pay you "tribute" you pervert! Man: It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh.... I was called here by humans who wish to pay me tribute! Woman: What do you mean? You are totally insane and make no sense at all! Man: Perhaps the same could be said of ALL religions.,, Woman: You are quite the nutjob man... Man: What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk... Have at you! Woman: EEEK! Man: But what is this? Did I just attack a woman wearing a cross? Is your last name Belmont? Woman: Yeah So? Is there a problem with my HOLY CROSS! *Man on fire*: WHAT? THIS CANNOT BE! ARGH!!!!!!! Moral: Die monster! You don't belong in this world!

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At the library: So girl, how about we find a nice quiet place? Moral: Location, location...

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Hey gurl, you smell like tape!

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I also got a phd. Awesome in what? Uh wait, is phd and std the same? Wait I mean... Moral: Just leave you dont want to find out the wrong way.

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Chick:- Don't worry, we all get nervous when we meet people. My brother: yeah, but my buttcrack gets sweaty & smelly when i get nervous!

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Male: If you were a booger, I'd pick you first. Female: If you were an ass, I would kick you first.

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She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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If i could rearrange the alphabet, id violate your ass hole.

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I lost my Nobel prize, can you help me find it?

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Boy: I want to get into your pants. Girl: No way! I already have an ass in there!

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Soon

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!