do you clean your pants with windex cause i can see myself in them

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roses are red violets are blue My dog gives me a bigger orgasm then you

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M: Woah I am drunk baby... But I gotta say... you`re the hottest bitch in town! B: Bark bark!

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Do you wanna go halves in a bastard?

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Want to get a pizza and fuck? What you don't like pizza?

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- hey baby i wanna show you something - wait i wanna show you something too -what is it? -my fists

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"Is it true you're a lesbian?"

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Sugar-free sugar cookies

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Guy: Hey, cutie! What's your name? Girl: JOHN CENA.

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How do you know where gonna have sex tonight.Im stronger than you.

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Me: Have you ever dreamed, of owning a thousand sparkly gems? Woman: No why? You got some? Me: No, but now but now we can dream together t under the sparkling stars under the sky... Moral: Hey, she said aww... And touched my hand before chatting with her friend... and as I turned my hand... was a piece of paper, with a written number...

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- I'm a weatherman, and I'm predicting 9 inches tonight ;) - Oh? Well weathermen aren't always accurate, so it's probably more like 3 inches.

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Did it hurt when you fell from heaven and banged every guy on the way down?

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You smell just like my mom...

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Muslim guy: "Hey can I get your number?" Chick:"Nine eleven"

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Intro music with slow motion running starts as I shut off the tv forever

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If i could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'I' and 'U' together. Really? Cos' I like it just the way it is... With 'N' and 'O' together.

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You dont need makeup, plastic surgery is really cheap nowadays!

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Me. Would you like me to get you a ring for valentines day? Girlfriend: Nothing would make me happier! So I got her nothing...

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My friend and I flipped a coin to see who will ask you out and I won.

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Mens most noob things to say during sex: "Thank you" "Do I really get all this for free?" "Sure you don't want me to pay you?" "MOTHER!" *crying* "You`re wet down there! Did you just pee yourself? DISGUSTING!!!" "I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!" "STOP SUCKING CUZ IM ABOUT TO CUM!!"

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guy: ermm...i like blondes ;) ima blonde too...we r a perfect dumb blonde match!!!! girl: yeah but im the dumb one in this situation. and have u taken a look in the mirror lately?!?! guy: yeah...well...uhh...maybe.........no not really... girl: well first of all you got pimples the size of mars, you have cross-eyes, you nose is bigger than squidwards nose, and let me see ur d!ck...now!!!! guy: oooh getting right to the point!!! i like it *unzips his pants and pulls out his nub* girl: uhh well u aint got no point, it looks like ur point just broke... guy: well midgets cant help it!!!!!!!!! dont judge my falses!!!!!! girl: okayy...besides theres wayyy too much to judge...no point...ur a complete waste of my timee!!!!!!!! now go watch porn and see if it grows a little bigger than his little nub u got.

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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a gun so get in the van.

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Is that a mirror in your pocket? because I can... Yes actually, it's my new LCD Mirror Screen Protector for my iPhone.

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Anti-Pickup Line

A collection of responses to pickup lines, and just bad ones in general!

Our Updated iOS App!

We've just released huge update to the iOS app! Now, access all your favorite text and photo sites like Anti-Joke, DIYLOL! A few things didn't make the original cut (like comments) but they'll be back soon. Best of all, the app is now FREE! Get it here.

The Anti Joke Book


NEW ANTI-JOKE BOOK!  Now that we've resolved the printing issues with our publisher, check out the BRAND SPANKING NEW Anti-Joke Book!